Stacey Campfield--The Dungeon

Ahh...Stacey Campfield. Native New Yorker, current resident of and state Senator representing Tennessee. You know, Tennessee--part of the Bible Belt, so called because those are the two most common items used to abuse children in the region. Tennessee, home of snake handling, the KKK and the Scopes Monkey Trial. (Not to mention the infamous elephant hanging.)

Carrying the mantle of such a proud state history, Campfield is determined live up to Tennessee's high standards. When he's not dressing up in a luchador mask and wandering around college football games, talking to himself, he likes to sponsor state bills.

From trying to require that aborted fetuses be issued death certificates to Tennessee's much-mocked "Don't Say Gay" bill, he certainly has a way with proposed legislation. He also tried to join Tennessee's legislative Black caucus. By the way, this is a picture of Stacey Campfield: 

Here are just a couple of quotes from Senator Campfield:

"Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community -- it was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall." 

(It didn't and it wasn't.)

 "My understanding is that it is virtually -- not completely, but virtually -- impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex...very rarely [transmitted]."

(It's not.)

So what finally gets a winner like this banished to the virtual Dungeon? This gem of proposed legislation: Get good grades or your family goes hungry.

Yes, Senator Stacey Campfield actually proposed legislation in Tennessee that reduced welfare benefits by 30% to any family that had a child not meeting academic standards. You know, because nothing motivates a child to study harder than starving.

Honestly, it's only his pathetic ineffectualness that keeps him out of the Torture Chamber. See, Campfield eventually dropped the bill, noting it was only a temporary drop and that he would reintroduce it next year--because there are few things a single, 46-year old, never-married, good Catholic boy knows better than masturbatory exercises. Of course, the decision to drop it came after an 8-year old girl followed him around the state Capitol, waving a petition while being cheered on by, no shit, a choir of about 60 people singing "Jesus Loves the Little Children."

Withdrawn or not, only a heartless piece of shit tries to take food and security away from entire families already in dire straits because kids don't perform to certain academic standards. Perhaps if we focused more on making our kids well-rounded people and less on meaningless standardized test scores we wouldn't have idiots like Campfield in our state legislatures. 

In the meantime, Stacey Campfield is free to continue posting post-Boston bombing jokes about "assault pressure cookers" with "tactical pistol grip" until his next proposed legislation--probably involving arming heterosexual fetuses--rears its ignorant head. 

Fred Phelps--Torture Chamber

As mentioned previously, Fred is a lifetime resident of the Torture Chamber. I'm sure everyone is familiar with Fred but just in case his name rings a bell but you weren't instantly overwhelmed by the desire to beat the shit out of an elderly guy, let me remind you who he is. Fred runs the repugnant Westboro Baptist Church. Still not sparking the homicidal impulse? Maybe a graphic will help. 

Yep, he's the dude who runs the charming godhatesfags.com website. "But wait," you say, "That sign says, and I can't believe I am actually uttering this phrase, 'Thank God for Dead Soldiers'--what does that have to do with gay people?" The answer is...nothing. Fred is a self-hating piece of shit and the only way he can vent his utter frustration at being Fred Phelps is to lash out at everyone else. Westboro, Phelps' demon seed, is the church that has publicly and proudly bragged that they would picket funerals from Matthew Shepard to the Sandy Hook shooting victims. Seriously, when even the KKK thinks you're an asshole, you've earned all the hatred heaped on you.

Designated Personalized Torture: He is sentenced to spelling lessons for eternity since it turns out that Jesus actually hates FIGS--true story.

The Grand Tour

Before I actually start moving these folks from their brain-based prison into their new virtual digs, I need to give a breakdown of how this place works.

We have the Torture Chamber. This is where the worst of the worst go. There is no escape from this section, no redemption will earn release. These folks are typically truly despicably evil and deserve not only to to be locked away from humanity for the duration but tortured on a daily basis in punishment for being just horrible, horrible people. Fred Phelps lives here. Enough said.  

This might be a good time to mention that you are free to discuss the residents of my dungeon and wonder if they truly belong but there will be no arguments. This may surprise those of you who think you know how much I like to argue. In fact, I hate arguing. No, really, I do. I just cannot let someone be wrong in my presence. Technically, what you see as me arguing is really me just repeatedly trying to show you how incorrect and flawed your thinking is. 

In any event, this is my personal virtual vengeance. If you want to pass judgment, get your own dungeon. Also, I'd like to add that while I will always try to provide my own justification for the inclusion of a particular person, this is not Wikipedia. I am not writing biographies of these folks so I encourage you to do your own research for further info.

Moving on, we have the Dungeon proper. This is where the typically evil, terrible people reside. I say, "typically" because there can be debatable (but not really--see above) exceptions. There may be people here that you might not readily think would belong. For example, Ron Paul is a resident of this level. Is he truly evil? Maybe not. However, Ron Paul could cure cancer with orgasms and chocolate and it would never repay humanity for the fact that he spawned Rand Paul. So, here he is.

Continuing on the tour, we come to Purgatory. This is sort of the drunk tank of the dungeon. This is for people who may just be temporarily insanely ignorant or obnoxiously cruel and/or maleficent. People here might go on to earn their redemption and release but most often, they prove themselves worthy of promotion to the Dungeon. Bill O' Reilly lives here. True, he is astounded by how human-like black people seem to be in person and he thinks "Happy Holidays" are fightin' words in his delusional War on Christmas; however, on the other hand, he has said that gay marriage opponents really only have Bible thumping on their side while gay people have the compelling argument that they are American citizens who just want to be treated like everyone else. So, Bill hangs out here a lot.

Last but not least, we have something I like to call the Wall of Shame. This section is not for people. Instead, this section is home to those obnoxious Facebook posts, statuses, graphics and links that get posted in my feed that make me very stabby. I don't mean the 15th repeated post of "Bill Gates will donate a gazillion dollars to kids with ass cancer if this picture of Denzel Washington fellating Vietnam vets gets 1,000,000 likes!" People who share those already live in their own personal hell of terminal stupidity. No, this is for the "See, I told you cucumbers cause autism! Read the article on www.tomatogrowersassociationwantsyoutostopbuyinganyvegetablethatisnota tomato.com!" posts and these posts.

So, there's your tour. Next step is to move the folks in. This will be an ongoing process. Several of these folks have been here a while and since organization is not really in my wheelhouse, they will be added in no discernible order. Feedback and comments are welcome to a certain extent. Feel free to suggest your own inmates, feel free to expound on the ones already here, feel free to congratulate me on my impeccable choices and my epic blog in general.

What this is.

This blog is the literary manifestation of my mental dungeon--the one to which I sentence all manner of horrendous, evil people.

And not evil like I am evil, not the awesome kind you want on your side when the shit goes down.

No, this is true evil--the kind you wouldn't want anywhere near your side even if they had all the cool weapons, the first aid kit and the good snacks.

For years, I have mentally placed such individuals into my fantastical dungeon, complete with delicious varieties of tortures commiserate with the level of evil I feel they have perpetuated.

However, my brain is filled to capacity with epicness and so I have decided to download my cerebral catacombs into this clearinghouse of virtual vengeance. Now I can share it with you!

Not only can you revel in the imaginary just deserts of my designated deserving douchebags, if you order now I'll throw in Facebook statuses and shares that make me stabby. (I apologize so much for that whole paragraph and yet, I cannot erase it. The dorkiness speaks to me.)